I am an expert at, well, everything. At least that’s what my
wife and kids tell me. On so many occasions throughout the year, I’ve had to
straighten them out on a multitude of issues. Those whom I love so much
During my dear daughter’s teen years, my wealth of knowledge
came in discussions of ancient history. I found myself lecturing Lacey on the
fall of past civilizations for their failure to overcome personal wants and
needs. For the longest time, she held her tongue, but at some point I must have
begun repeating myself. She looked at me with wide eyes, attempted to smother a
snicker, and then burst into laughter. “Daddy, it’s just a thumb ring!” The
poor child just couldn’t see the connection between that piece of jewelry and
the crumpling of an entire society.
Poor Dallas
suffered through years of my coaching him in baseball. It was necessary to
school the boy in the proper methods of fielding, hitting, and pitching. All of
this came from my vast knowledge of the sport. Forget the fact that I was stuck
in right field, the place for the worst player, throughout my child. I forced
him to practice endlessly to develop skills I never had.
When he began driving, I instructed him on the proper way to
drive a straight-shift vehicle. With just a minimal amount of training, I
figured my son could be the next great driver. What happened instead was that
he bowed his back and, in his passive-aggressive may, put an end to my goals
for him by not studying for the driver’s exam. He failed the test, but I was
much more disappointed than he was.
Amy has listened to my tirades on so many subjects. They’ve
included finances, business decisions, and child-rearing strategies. Most of
the time she’s listen, but on occasion she has cocked one eyebrow and dropped a
sarcastic “Really” on me.
My greatest expertise came on the subject of child rearing.
Oh, I knew what all kids needed and when they needed it. I’d taught school
forever, so I was an authority on children, or so I thought. My pronouncements
about parenting came with a thunderous voice. The only trouble was that I’d
roared so much and so often that Amy knew it was all bluff, and she ignored my
demands. In spite of my actions, Lacey and Dallas appear to be well-adjusted
individuals who aren’t too scarred by my great knowledge.
I’ve also voiced my opinions in groups, at work, and with
friends over the years. I might have couched it with the phrase, “If it were
me, I’d…,” and then I would tell the truth of all things according to my
perception of the situation. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I kept thinking,
if folks would do as I tell them, their lives would be much better. More
accurately, I was saying that folks who follow my lead and do as I do would be
happy.
Most of the time, I’ve expressed my opinion and then sat
down unaware that absolutely no one in my family heeded an iota of the wisdom
that was offered. My friends politely pretend to listen to my sage advice. Then
they call me a dirty name and ignore all my wisdom.
In recent years, the fact that I wasn’t always right has
become apparent. I can see how my expertise on all subjects has been little
more than my personal opinion, and we all know what opinions are like and what
they resemble in smell. Maybe the greatest tidbit of wisdom that I’ve
discovered from my years on this planet is that I’m nowhere near as right as I
once thought.
For those of you whom I have approached with unwanted
information and suggestions, I apologize for my ignorance. Also, thank you for
remaining my friends and loving family, even though doing so has been a
difficult task.
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